My nightmares are filled with images of Dick Cheney

He is fear incarnate. Death follows with him where ever he goes. The ground he walks on cracks asunder and nature itself abhors his presence. It is all because:

Dick Cheney won an Oscar after he filmed his own circumcision

His navel doubles as a modem

He was the first person ever described as "armed and dangerous"

Only Dick Cheney knows the horrible secret behind "Sweaten to the Oldies"

Do you know why the Leaning Tower of Pisa tilts to the right? Because Dick Cheney built it

He once got a colonic of sulfuric acid and Butterscotch ice cream

His favorite cocktail is the Salty Dog...made with a real dog

His first words were "Roosevelt is a commie"

Dick Cheney invented the concept of VoiceMail when he ripped out the larynx of a communist and overnighted it to Larry King

He has a standing appointment at a Washington salon to get his nails done and his spines ground down

After meeting the Verizon spokesman Dick Cheney tore off his ears, ate them, then asked "Can you fear me now?"

The sight of his bare feet drove Hunter Thompson to end his life

"Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" was inspired by accounts of Dick Cheney's first birthday party

He had his first heart attack in Kindergarten