Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Dick Cheney: Is he God?

You can beg, you can plead, but eventually Dick Cheney will eat your children.

How can Dick Cheney not be a god when these things are true:

Dick Cheney learned Spanish by sucking Che Gureverra's brain out with a straw

Earth, Wind, and Fire were originally called Earth, Wind, Fire, and Dick Cheney

He pantsed the Lincoln Memorial

William Shatner got his famous stutter after Dick Cheney burned him with a cigarette

Dick Cheney was acquitted of killing Noam Chomsky with a sponge soaked in battery acid

Freemasons don't run the country...Dick Cheney does

He paddled the school canoe...and didn't get a paddling

Dick Cheney's wisdom teeth could talk, but all they did was remind him to live a virtuous life so he had them removed

Tom Clancy's "The Hunt for Red October" was originally titled "Dick Cheney's Hunt for Red October"

Dick Cheney makes an uncredited appeance in the movie American Psycho

He singlehandedly invaded Russia in the Spring of 2004

His time as a rodeo clown was memorialized in the Journey song "Don't Stop Believing"

The only thing more frightening than Dick Cheney is two Dick Cheneys

Dick Cheney was not born...he was grown

His third birthday party devolved into a riot over segregation

In the 60's Cheney drove around in a van solving mysteries with a preppy gay guy, a dumpy lesbian, a hot chick, and a heard of fainting goats

He smokes 8 cartons a day...of hams

He began his career as a moil, but was forced to stop after circumcising a child with a live piranha