Feel the power of Dick Cheney

In my ongoing quest to enlighten all of you in regards to the greatness of the demigod Dick Cheney, I realized that I have left out some pivotal facts about the old Dick.


He can walk on water...because his gaze frightens it solid.

He fathered an illegitimate child with a great white shark

He once took a hand grenade to the face...then walked it off

He hunted down and killed an entire Elk's Lodge without the proper permits.

His idea of foreplay is allowing the Democrats to try to run away before he decapitates them

He uses a pack of wolves for toilet paper

He once ate an entire panda for dinner then had a sperm whale for dessert

His projected childhood fantasies drove Judy Garland to pills and booze.

His middle name is Caspian, they named a sea after him, maybe you heard of it.

He sweats pure gold

He takes the phrase "between a rock and a hard place" literally

His drunken shouts of rage were nominated for a Grammy

Dick Cheney won an Oscar for his portrayal of MechaGodzilla in the all monster production of "Howard's End"

He is regularly depicted in Cro-Magnon cave art as a bringer of rain and sorrow

Dick Cheney made the Depression depressing