Monday, December 31, 2007

New Year, same old same old

Well it is that time of year again. Once again we gather to discuss the old year and predict what will happen in the new. Since my predictions last year were 100% correct, I will share my knowledge with the peanut gallery once again.

In the year 2008:

Ted Kennedy will emerge from a wooded lot along the Hudson covered in blood and holding the severed head of a Dartmouth coed. He will be given the Noble Peace Prize. The made for tv movie will suggest George W. Bush was the true killer.

Elections in Pakistan will be "Pakistani Peaceful." This is a lot like a regular peaceful election, but with 1000% more car bombings.

Old and Busted: Sunni Death squads roving the streets of Baghdad.
New Hotness: "Progressive" Death squads roving the streets of American cities.

Mitt Romney will win the presidential primary in New Hampshire. Mormons around the country will celebrate by drinking grape juice and staying up till 8pm.

Bill Clinton will be found in bed with a dead girl, live boy, and a seal dressed like a sailor. He will be named Time magazine's Man of the Year.

After a year of failed policies, Nancy Pelosi will be replaced by a leader who more accurately reflects the stance of Dimocratic voters on such issues as taxes and the War on Terror: Bashar al-Assad.

Rising anti-American sentiment in Europe coupled with a new sense of nationalism will lead to the introduction of new products such as "Hamburg Helper."

In a desperate bid to shore up her plummeting viewership, Kaite Couric will begin doing the news topless. She will be cancelled two days later after her last six viewers go blind.

Paris Hilton will become the new spokesman for Global Warming. She will raise awareness by traveling to Northern climes and making short videos where she says "That's hot."

The rise in global temperatures will finally give mankind the answer to the great question: Who would win in a fight; an iceberg from the North Pole or one from Antarctica.